ALREADY ENOUGH
Me on a log bridge over a waterfall.
“It’s hard to believe we were so hollowed out, so drained, only so we could shine a little harder when the light finally came.”
“We Are Surprised” from Ada Limón’s Bright Dead Things
It’s been six months since I decided enough was enough. Since my body gave me undeniable signs that where I lived, where I worked, and who I thought I loved were not healthy for me. Since I discovered that ignoring my intuition, the one that I’d been told was irrational/wrong/too much, was in fact prolonging pain and stifling my healing journey. Since I decided that no amount of effort or change can force the life you’ve created to transform into the life you want.
No amount of growth or ambition can make people who never loved you love you.
No amount of healing my inner child can make me enough for people who never valued me in the first place. And my healing should not be dictated by wanting to please those people. Or anyone. Because healing is an individual emotional journey for the self. So, with thirteen boxes of mostly books packed in a little black trailer, I set out on a journey to build a life I want.
Since I’ve stopped posting, I’ve moved states, changed careers, and reconnected with family I’d been isolated from for over a decade. I’ve also formed fulfilling relationships that build me up with people who love me unconditionally the way I am NOW.
As far as writing goes, I’ve rewritten half of Strangers and started another young adult manuscript. I’ve finished a poetry manuscript and started a new one. I’ve had ten poems accepted for publication in literary journals.
Sun rays beaming through some trees.
I’ve accomplished all of this in six months. Not years. Months.
In less than a year, I’ve decided that believing in myself and going after what I want, despite the fear of failing, is what will make this life the one I’ve always wanted. My new mantra? The worst thing that can happen is someone says no.
Instead of hoping who I am will be enough for someone if I earn it, I’ve switched to a new viewpoint, one that I started practicing after reading Lisa Olivera’s novel Already Enough: A Path to Self-Acceptance. I’m already enough. That’s right. By existing and being a good person to the best of my ability (and striving to heal what no longer serves me), I deserve to give myself the same love and encouragement I’d give my friends and family.
On this new journey with this new mindset, I’ve fostered love for myself for the first time in a long time (if ever). And I’ve fostered more love for the new people in my life too. I can’t help but find joy everywhere I look. I feel love more deeply now because I’m not constantly questioning or rejecting my deservingness. This is HUGE for me.
That being said, this life isn’t perfect. I face doubts and worries and have bad mental health days. Starting over doesn’t mean erasing everything that came before. Instead, it means that when pain inevitably comes, it’s easier to release. Even when disappointment or setbacks rear their ugly heads, I often have the tools and mental clarity to face them. To push through them. To know there’s hope on the other side.
I needed this time away. I required a lot of space to process this total reset on my life. I’m working to catch up on announcements, get a schedule going for writing content, and promote my fellow writers on their exciting projects.
Just know my writing has expanded, as will these blog posts. I won’t just be writing about my writing projects or my journey learning about my heritage. In addition to Latinx diaspora and family history, I’ll be writing more about identity, healing, mental health, and generational trauma in general.
I’ve got some exciting writing news coming soon too. So stay tuned!
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