LISTENING IN
Most of us know how to listen to our surroundings or other people. Few of us know how to actively listen. And even fewer know how to listen to our bodies.
There’s a stubbornness or lack of intuition that surrounds our bodies. It may be due in part to society’s construct around how our bodies should look and feel, even if those habits aren’t healthy.
So why am I bringing this up?
For the past couple of months, I’ve been unwell. I tried to ignore the aches, the sharp pains, and the other symptoms surrounding the back-to-back illnesses plaguing me. I’ve forced myself to go to work, make up excess hours at work (as my internship is based on hours and doesn’t accrue any type of leave), plan a business, plan an additional business, go to the gym, take care of things at home, maintain friendships, build up my relationship with my partner and his kids, and try to write.
For a while, I managed to keep producing and doing. Then February happened.
Some mystery illness sent me to the E.R. This should have been a sure signal from my body to chill out. But I had too much work to do, so I medicated my mystery condition and continued plowing through my endless tasks. Two weeks later, the stomach flu tried to get me to rest. As far as I was concerned, keeping me out of work for 4 days only created more reason to add more to my plate. After all, I had to make up my missed hours. When that didn’t work, COVID got involved too. At this point, I’d not been well for over a month, and I was alarmed. Four days after testing negative, I got sick again and ended up with bronchitis and an ear infection.
After that, I got sick from antibiotics killing my gut bacteria, and my stomach issues resurfaced.
I felt defeated, depressed, and dysfunctional. Hell, I was angry. I constantly asked myself, “What good is this body?" I got anxious that I’d never be well again.
The truth hit me then: I hadn’t been well for a long time. Years even.
Person snuggled in a blanket on a couch. Image by WOKANDAPIX from Pixabay.
My body had begged me to rest, and I’d refused to listen.
While my relocation and career change has led to a less stressful life, that doesn’t detract from the past three years of working in a toxic environment and the past eight years being in an unhealthy relationship. All of the bad energy has been sitting there, slowly processing. Mentally, I’ve released a lot of stress, trauma, and sadness from my life before, but physically, I’ve still held on to them. And I haven’t taken the time to address those physical symptoms. Haven’t given myself time to be instead of do.
I know better now. I just wish I would have learned better sooner.
Some days, I still feel defeated, especially since self-care and my day job are nonnegotiable at this point, so creativity is on the sidelines. That seems to compound that defeat. But I know in my heart this string of sicknesses isn’t permanent. And when I’m doing better, my tasks and goals will still be there.
Yes, those household chores and day jobs and writing projects are important. No doubt. But we can’t live our lives or create our dream writing careers if we’re chronically ill or worse. So listen to your bodies. Listen in and listen deeply.
For the past week, I haven’t focused on producing new writing or forwarding my new career or launching my two new business ideas. I have taken daily walks during my lunch to ease back into movement and re-energize my mind. I’m not stressing the writing thing until my next creative endeavor starts (the week of April 18th). I’m off socials an hour or so before bed, I’m reading before bed, and I’m going to bed early. I’m eating a more balanced diet.
It’s not perfect, but it’s been one hell of a reset.
